All I could think when my therapist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety was ‘well now I could have told you that for free’. It felt like a waste of both time and money. Is that all I get? Depression and anxiety? Who isn’t depressed and anxious? That couldn’t be it.
I was looking for an explanation for what was wrong with me. Because I knew something was very wrong with me, I just didn’t know what it was. I still don’t.
“As a civilization, we sit in a circle and we describe the shape of the monster that is devouring us. We hope, like a talisman, that our description will provide some shelter against it.”
-Alice Isn’t Dead
I suppose this is what I was trying to do. If I could give a name to the monster that is consuming me, maybe I could stop it from consuming me somehow. If I could describe it well enough, maybe someone could tell me its name. If I understood it better, maybe it wouldn’t completely destroy me.
So depression and anxiety didn’t cut it. It wasn’t enough. Everyone is depressed and anxious, welcome to modern society. I know no one is okay, I just want to be as not okay as everyone else. No more, preferably less if that won’t be asking for too much. But at least that. I am not asking for good or even for okay, I am begging for normal. And I know I’m not normal, which is why that can’t be all there is.
I wanted to stop therapy there and then because I was scared that even therapy couldn’t help me. That even after months of it, nothing would change. That the monster would continue to devour me anyway and there was nothing anyone could do. Being consumed is already a terrifying enough experience, knowing with certainty that there is nothing that can save you seems almost worse. Perhaps it isn’t, maybe there’s even some freedom in it in some sense. Maybe it lets you accept your fate and go quietly into the night. But maybe not. Whichever it was, I wasn’t ready to risk finding out.
A few sessions later, my therapist brought up the possibility of me having a personality disorder. That was our last session. I found reasons to not go anymore, and when they weren’t there I made them.
A personality disorder sounds like a description, a name, an explanation. And a good enough one. An uncommon enough one. Exactly what I was looking for. I’m aware that this is not a healthy mentality to have, but that doesn’t change me having it. Awareness is not enough to save us.
Knowing the shape of this monster won’t shelter me from it, it would just mean I know its shape. Maybe this would help me stop it, knowing your enemy and all that. But maybe it can’t be stopped. Knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean knowing how to stop it. Sometimes it means knowing that it can’t be stopped.
This might make me a coward, for not even trying. I wonder if cowardice is considered a sin. Even if it isn’t in terms of religion, it still is. Cowardice is all Pontius Pilate was really guilty of, but The Creed still goes “was crucified by Pontius Pilate”. Washing your hands off the sins of others isn’t enough if you’re a coward it seems. But I digress, the point here is I’m supposed to be brave and all that. That’s what we’re supposed to do.
There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity. Courage is quite often thinly veiled foolhardiness. Bravery is why characters in horror movies get into the situations they do in the first place. It’s why people fight unnecessary battles and wars and die unnecessary deaths. Sometimes, be a coward. You’ll live longer that way. Probably happier too, or at least more peacefully.
I don’t want to fight a losing battle. I don’t want to try if I’m going to fail. This isn’t the “spirit” we’re supposed to have, I know. I know the sayings: What’s the harm in trying? If at first you don’t succeed, try again. On and on.
But there is the harm in trying. I’m exhausted from trying. That’s all I’ve done and it hasn’t done much for me. Trying and failing hurts, and if I’m going to fail then I’d rather not try. If there’s no hope, I don’t want to desperately hold on to its ghost. And I know this isn’t how I should think, I know that.
But knowing isn’t enough.
